Two years and nearly 2 months ago, I embarked on a journey that turned out to be a lot rougher in the beginning, a lot longer in the ending, and a lot more hard to end.
When Tucker was born, I had no qualms about breastfeeding him. I figured I had done this twice before (at length) and this would be no different. I was in for a rude awakening.
The first time I nursed him, I remembered I was laying down. And, I was tired. And, I wasn't really interested in seeing he had a good latch, taken he was a few minutes old and probably tired, as well. So, it was more of a comfort thing for him at that point, I believed.
I wish I had taken more interest in that first latch on. I really and truly believe that it would have been a lot easier in the frequent subsequent nursings that would take place.
That being said, I was in for 6+weeks of feeling like a washboard every time my son would latch on. He would cry to eat and my entire being would tense up in fear of imminent pain. We're talking crocodile tears, here, folks.
The biggest part of this ordeal was this: I felt like a failure. I felt like a failure at something that was supposed to be easy. At something I had done before. At something I had extensive knowledge of. At something I figured every woman should be able to overcome.
Sid told me a few nights ago that he was at the point of making me stop and buy formula. He would say to me, "You can stop if you want to." And, I would tear up and say, "I can't! I know too much about it!" My post-partum and breastfeedingly educated brain would not let me not nurse my child. I couldn't do it. It wasn't happening.
Finally, I had to sit down with my books and I said this, "Ok. I have never nursed a baby before. What do I do?" And, I read the book. That whole "funny" bit from
So That's What They're For by Janet Tamaro. Insert Breast A into Mouth B. Seriously. I had to go down the whole list of checkpoints when I'd latch him on. And, I don't know what it was exactly, but we got over the hump, my sores healed, and we were good to go. FINALLY!
So, year one came and went and I was told I would have to wean at 18 months about a month before I would need to wean. Tucker wasn't having any of this "weaning business"
and he pitched fits. And, we caved. Everytime.
Breastfeeding was not something he has ever been interested in giving up. Ever. He is very devoted to his source(s) of nourishment. Committed. ATTACHED.
Year Two was coming up and I was told, "You. have. to. wean. him." I did not want this child to throw a fit and make me feel like the worst mother in the world on his 2nd
birthday. But, I was ready to do it. Sid said and it really was time. I was prepped for a long night of crying. I was prepped to get it over with. I was nearly ready.
And, Sid being the Mr. Steady that his is said, "You have to wean him soon, but go ahead and taper him off." And, that's what this last (nearly) 2 months has been.
It's finally down to "wean him this week". And, I've had two nights of no nursing at all. Let me tell ya, it's been hard.
I'm ready to have that part of my body back, for myself. I'm ready to no longer be the size I am. I'm ready for some reduction from shrinkage of ducts.
But, it's so hard to give up something you've done for 2+ years. To just have it taken away.
It's been easier than I thought it would be, so far. He'll come up to me and nuzzle like he wants to nurse and it's like he remembers, "Oh, can't do that" and he'll be on his way or he'll readjust so we can still cuddle.
I don't have anything to base this following statement on other than my three children, but I believe that breastfed babies are the snuggliest. Maybe not. But, I think they are. They smell better, too.
Anyway, Tucker will let me snuggle him at night and he'll drink his cup of water while he is waiting to be put to bed. He'll go to bed just fine and go to sleep. He won't crawl up with me and nurse when I'm
not looking asleep. He stays in his bed until morning when he'll crawl in bed with us and waller all over the place and I finally put him back in his bed, but he doesn't ask to nurse. And, he gets up early because of that and asks for cereal.
Things are going good. But, I'm really going to look fondly on my memories of nursing Tucker. It's been a long journey. It's been hard. It's been long. It's been hard. But, it has been a very rewarding experience. And, I'm thankful I was indulged for this one.
The end.
Comments (2)
Sarah,
I stumbled across this blog, and I went back and read it all the way from the beginning. Wow! You are really brave!
I wanted to ask if you noticed that Tucker potty trained more quickly with wearing the cloth diapers. My youngest is now 20 months, and we're beginning to potty train. I've got cloth training panties that I used with my older 2 girls, but I haven't started putting them on Baby Girl yet. I usually start with double-pantying with plastic pants over to catch the leaks, and then progress from there.
I noticed that you talked a lot about "woolies" and your "wool wet bag." Does wool keep other items from getting wet w/o holding the moisture in--better than plastic pants do? I know with my older girls, they tended to get rashes more when they were potty training than when wearing the disposable diapers---we ended up using them instead of cloth b/c hubby told me before #1 was born that he would help with diapering (and he always has) only if we used disposables, but wouldn't help with the cloth.
He has not potty trained yet, but that's from lax on my part. We switched to Pull-Ups and I HATE PULL-UPS!
I'm getting my laundry soap back in stock soon and I'll be switching back over to cloth diapers to make him less comfortable sitting around in that junk.
If you stick to cloth diapering, it SHOULD help them to potty train sooner if you are making a habit of changing wet/poopy dipes ASAP instead of letting them wear it a while. Otherwise, you defeat the purpose. :)